Tsuzuku (メジブレイ) The paradox of「being alone」

-Dream-

I imagine all of you who are reading this dream when you sleep.

You have days when you dream, and days when you don’t. That’s the way things go. 
And today I want to talk about a dream I had the other day, a very vivid dream.

Deep darkness.

I’m lying on the bed, my arms stretched out like the wings of an angel.

As I open my eyes weakly, the piercing LED light carries through to my brain and makes my head hurt.

“——-dong…———-ding-dong…——ding-dong”

Ringing of the doorbell resounds through the room.

No, to put it correctly, it hits my eardrums, and is resounding all the way through to my brain.

I wonder how many times I’d heard the bell by now.

My brain is filled with the irregular sound of the bell and the piercing LED light.

My body won’t move.

I can focus on only one thing at a time.

Eventually the bell stops ringing, and then my mind picks up on the sound of breathing.

-My breathing-

-Blink-

-I moved-

Raising my upper body, I put a hand to my forehead.

-Heat-

-A slight heat-

Somehow I finally get to my feet, my mind not apprehending of the bell ringer’s identity.

-A friend?-

-Delivery?-

-Or Jehovah’s Witnesses again?-

-IF THAT’S THE CASE, FUN. I’LL GET ANOTHER PIECE OF SCRIPTURE TODAY-

I drag my heavy body to the entrance, drag my heavy body to reach for the door, 
drag my heavy body to open the door, drag my heavy body to step outside…

-Drag my heavy body to…-

-OPEN THE MAILBOX-

-THERE’S NOTHING IN IT-

For some reason I proceed right to the nearby convenience store.

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

At those words appearing in my head, I felt only dizziness.

-I stagger-

-Vision blurs-

And when I get to the convenience store,

-Basket-

-Two cans of beer-

-Fresh pasta, tomato sauce with roast chicken-

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

Such pasta doesn’t seem tasty. I already dislike fresh pasta. And this one from the convenience store. 
My mind’s probably completely refusing it.

As expected in a dream.

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

I drag my heavy body back home.

-In my hand a bag with two cans of beer-

-Fresh pasta, tomato sauce with roast chicken-

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

[Fresh pasta, tomato sauce with roast chicken, THAT I GOT HEATED UP]

-I put it in my mouth-

-Yuck-

Of course. Since I don’t even like fresh pasta.

I don’t eat convenience store stuff even when it’s regular pasta.

Because when I make it myself it’s tastier.

Because pasta is my specialty.

Since it’s the pasta I make with carefully selected olive oil.

-I’ll mask the taste with a cigarette.-

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

I freshen the worst taste with beer…and bring a lighter to my cigarette.

The flame blazes up. Smoke swirls, ascending in a spiral…

-Delicious-

-I like seeing smoke-

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

-I’ll sleep for a bit-

-I’M KIND OF TIRED-

…

“It’s hot”

I open my eyes. The cigarette I was holding has burnt through and started lapping at my fingers.

Next to me are two cans of beer (one opened).

…And fresh pasta, tomato sauce with roasted chicken.

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

“I’ll memorize this in detail.”

“The reality inside a dream”

“The dream inside a reality”

-THIS IS A TERRIBLE DREAM-

Tsuzuku

• Tsuzuku: Why do we exist? Why do we live now? ...thinking that is inevitable, right? Then, being just alive is fine, but other than that, now aren't there all sorts of clouds growing in your heart? Being able to think that is also happiness. Ah, living is wonderful, isn't it. When you think about nothing, it is not the present.
• Tsuzuku: Because I have many colours, I have a present. Because I have many colours, the present is fun, painful, sad...and what I suddenly discover in it all is happiness.
• Tsuzuku: Well, take it easy. (laugh)... I, MEJIBRAY, we'll grow much stronger. In doing that, we want to become the colour of the foundation of something in you. Since I'm always getting all sorts of colours from you guys? Thank you for everything. I'm really happy. I haven't been able to experience something like this before. If I can convey something to all of you with MEJIBRAY, then all is well.

• Tsuzuku: Yes! Happy!! Being able to think like this makes me happy!! I'm alive!!!! Enjoy the little things. You're alive too. Don't you wanna laugh every day if you can? ♡
• Tsuzuku: What would happen if I died? What would you think if I suddenly disappeared? What would happen if I did THAT? What would happen if I did THIS? Pain gives you the actual feeling that you're alive. Things like that are all a part of happiness for me. I think being able to think is happiness. Because thinking is common but it's not ordinary.

Tsuzuku: As always, you're asking, aren't you really depressed? I just wanted to put down some words since a while ago, that's all. I think these things every day.

Seeing the painting that conceals my scars, today I think of you again.
When I forget both pain and hope, I still find myself hoping that you’d paint over them again. That is my weakness「And my strength」 —Tsuzuku

Tsuzuku: Although I often end up thinking about things like necessity, meaning, and value, it is no coincidence that people have been treading the soil of this world. It is no coincidence that we are alive. Me, you, we were born because we were supposed to be born. There are all kinds of people, but I think these lives we were given should be lived out. …Good night everyone✡

I think there are things you only understand as a student. There were a lot of terrible things, too... But when you're a student, rather than being uncertain, it's best if you have something to put your heart into. Once you enter society, there'll be all these things you won't get. When as a student I was told, "There are things you can only understand now", I thought like "Whaat?" but now I understand that. I had good school days.

As long as you're living, you'll certainly find something. If you don't live, you won't come to know anything. Not happiness, nor sadness, nor suffering

“I don’t want anyone to have the painful time I had”—Tsuzuku (MEJIBRAY) Rock and Read vol. 45

Kaikki tekstit by. Tsuzuku (MEJIBRAY) Jos joku edes jaksoi lukea tänne saakka, niin hyvähyvä. Itse vuodatin monessa kohtaa kyyneleitä, aivan sen myötä, koska mies osaa sanoa asiat ulos, joita itse pyörittelee joka päivä. Tzk toistaa moneen otteeseen, kuinka elämässä täytyisi jaksaa ja jatkaa, vaikka mitä tapahtuisi. Pitäisi iloita pienistä asioista. Sekä surusta, että kärsimyksestä. Mies myös pyörittelee ajatuksia edes takaisin, sekä jakaa niitä faneilleen avoimesti. Suosittelen jokaista perehtymään Tzkn puheisiin, koska niissä on asiaa. Ja en tiedä .. jostain syystä itse saan ainakin uskomattoman paljon voimaa näistä sanoista, sekä lyriikoista. Oon kiitollinen, että oon löytänyt tälläisen bändin ja toivon, että mahdollisimman moni pääsee jakamaan tämän ajatuksen. : ))

I don’t understand the point of living

The paradox of「being alone」
-Though you want to live, there are also lives not possible to be lived-

(In April 2007, I turned away from this reality, and tried to perish by myself.
With everyday unending nausea and headaches, only time passed by as the sense of loss lingered

Without understanding that I made you sad when I shook my head at your words,

I just sat hugging my knees.)

translation by. http://heresiarchy.tumblr.com